Uncontrollable Granular Dispensation

I got a funny story. Funny but true according to this guy that called me today to remind me to pay an outstanding psych bill. By the way, I've learned that most hospitals ultimately won't make you pay psychology bills because they're worried you'll get stressed out and kill yourself. So as long as you don't actually get stressed out and kill yourself, it's a great loophole.

Anyway, I told the collections guy about how tight money is right now with me in training and he started asking all kinds of questions. Can't remember why, but he mentioned that NASA doesn't allow astronauts with dandruff or head lice to participate on space missions. This kinda surprised me, I hadn't heard that before but it makes perfect sense when you think about it. Apparently it's classified as UGD (Uncontrollable Granular Dispensation) UGD covers any granular property. It became an issue in the 80's when, while in orbit, someone tried to sprinkle some salt on rehydrated green bean casserole. Apparently some salt grains found their way into circuits and disrupted some equipment and they had to land the bird early.

Wikipedia makes no mention of any shuttle launches being delayed due to dandruff or head lice, but I know for a fact that they have solved the salt problem by creating a liquid salt solution that allows them to squirt salt on their foods without worrying about shaking it all over the place.

Writing about salt reminded me of my recent conversation with my idiot neighbor Eddie. I was telling him about things I won't be able to eat in space when he said that they don't eat baked potatoes in space because their tinfoil wrapping would interfere with radio signals from Earth. I told you he's an idiot. I explained to him that the baked potato tinfoil would enhance the signals to mission control and even help boost signals out into space.

I didn't want to write about space potatoes, but I thought it's another good example of how Eddie would never make it as an astronaut. Actually there are MANY reasons. He says he has no interest in it or "any of that other nerdy Discovery Channel shit" but he's really interested in my training. Astronaut questions are pretty much the first thing out of his mouth when we talk, so I think he has a hidden desire and he's just intimidated because he sees how dedicated I am and how physically fit you have to be. Eddie gained 30 pounds in the last year.

In summary, I don't have dandruff or head lice, so none of this stuff applies to me. But it does strike a nerve because I had head lice when I was in the 4th grade. No big deal. Routine school checkup, school nurse kinda overreacts, some of the students behind me in line overreact and then no one talks to me. Kids are mean, but what's new. My dad transferred jobs after the 6th grade, so it worked out.

I have no idea where this post is going. It's late, I'm going to bed. Some of the things I've talked about in this post make me very uncomfortable, so enough of that.

**If you have dandruff or head lice and you're insulted, I'm sorry. But honestly, I'm not really sorry. Take this as a wake-up call. If you want to be an astronaut, start by taking your own pillow when you spend the weekend at your grandma's dirty-ass house. No one will want you on their space crew if you're not going to wash your hair. Even if you don't want to be an astronaut, it's just a good routine to get into.