Bitter Sweet Depression

The good news today is that the most recent cowboys in space have landed safely and are probably going through some gravity drills to become re adjusted to Earth.

The bad news is that I'm having issues with my online training. Not totally unexpected issues, I'm just concerned that certain people who are in charge don't necessarily have all their facts correct and are unacceptably unorganized. If you're trying to develop an online astronaut training program, it needs to run smoother and more efficient than what I'm going through. I won't go into details, it's just frustrating right now. It might be the fact that I've been growing bored being so far ahead of my peers and even the instructor. That either means I'm just naturally advanced, or my instructor is a moron. Probably a little of both. Anyway, just bored, bored bored right now.

Discovery Channel LIVE HD Feed from ISS

One thing they don't teach in astronaut training is How To Establish Yourself on a Space Station. It's kinda like high school. do you want to be the #1 man or do you want to be in the Art Club? If something catches on fire or an emergency spacewalk is needed, they turn to their #1 man. If the landing gear is stuck or there's a loss of oxygen or an alien lifeform is detected (not as improbable as you may think), they turn to their #1 man. It's pretty simple, either you're #1 or you're taking one in the butt. So I've been working on ways to quickly place myself in the best scenarios that will lead me to be what I like to call AstoLeader One

I should note that I had originally planned to include this blog in my resume to NASA. I've changed that plan and will keep this blog personal. I want the world to get an honest look into the making of an astronaut. My true thoughts and feelings. If NASA was going to see this, this post wouldn't be possible. I'm going to share way too much for this to cross over into my professional life. So, from now on, you can expect nothing but raw insight.

Moving on to my plan for establishing myself as Leader of the Space Station. It all came to me while I watched The Discovery Channel's live feed from the International Space Station. Their cameras inside the ISS are a blessing from Jesus. It gives me a chance to basically learn the entire layout of the ISS. I'll show up knowing where everything is located. It's almost TOO easy and makes me worry I won't be the only one with this plan. Either way, I'll show up knowing most of the information that took them months to learn.

Here's the plan:

1) My shuttle will dock with the ISS. That's an acronym for International Space Station (I really do not want to type the whole thing out again. Bookmark wikipedia if you need help)

2) I'll greet everyone with a kiss on the cheek

3) Throw out some politically correct jokes (I usually stay PC anyway. It's best to assume that there's a woman or black person listening to you at all times. If you haven't noticed, the media will eat you alive if you're an astronaut and you say something inappropriate or wear diapers)

4) Stay humble if previous achievements come up in conversation

5) Before things get awkward, I'll ask to be excused to the bathroom pod. They'll say sure and start to tell me how to find it and that's when I cut them off and smirk "Thanks, but I already know where it is" and float directly to it while their mouths hang open. If I do it right, I'll start off with everyone thinking "hey, this new guy knows his sh*t". But I don't want to come off like an as$hole or "power trip" alpha-male...i'd be more like George Clooney. I see myself as the smarta$s, underachieving, rebel, but at the same time, I know more about space than everyone else on the space station so when it's time to man-up, the entire crew will look to me.

It's important for me to stress that even though I'll be the joker, I'll always be an ace up someone's sleeve. I'll work my ass off when it's crunch time repairing wings, solar panels, robots and observing how certain things are affected by zero gravity. "Work hard play hard" applies in space.

Anyway, it's a great show on Discovery Channel. Everyone should check it out. It may seem like it's for "brainiacs", but it's not. It's been watered down so the average person can enjoy it.

Heck, just watch it for the pretty images of Earth from space. Beautiful stuff.

Uncontrollable Granular Dispensation

I got a funny story. Funny but true according to this guy that called me today to remind me to pay an outstanding psych bill. By the way, I've learned that most hospitals ultimately won't make you pay psychology bills because they're worried you'll get stressed out and kill yourself. So as long as you don't actually get stressed out and kill yourself, it's a great loophole.

Anyway, I told the collections guy about how tight money is right now with me in training and he started asking all kinds of questions. Can't remember why, but he mentioned that NASA doesn't allow astronauts with dandruff or head lice to participate on space missions. This kinda surprised me, I hadn't heard that before but it makes perfect sense when you think about it. Apparently it's classified as UGD (Uncontrollable Granular Dispensation) UGD covers any granular property. It became an issue in the 80's when, while in orbit, someone tried to sprinkle some salt on rehydrated green bean casserole. Apparently some salt grains found their way into circuits and disrupted some equipment and they had to land the bird early.

Wikipedia makes no mention of any shuttle launches being delayed due to dandruff or head lice, but I know for a fact that they have solved the salt problem by creating a liquid salt solution that allows them to squirt salt on their foods without worrying about shaking it all over the place.

Writing about salt reminded me of my recent conversation with my idiot neighbor Eddie. I was telling him about things I won't be able to eat in space when he said that they don't eat baked potatoes in space because their tinfoil wrapping would interfere with radio signals from Earth. I told you he's an idiot. I explained to him that the baked potato tinfoil would enhance the signals to mission control and even help boost signals out into space.

I didn't want to write about space potatoes, but I thought it's another good example of how Eddie would never make it as an astronaut. Actually there are MANY reasons. He says he has no interest in it or "any of that other nerdy Discovery Channel shit" but he's really interested in my training. Astronaut questions are pretty much the first thing out of his mouth when we talk, so I think he has a hidden desire and he's just intimidated because he sees how dedicated I am and how physically fit you have to be. Eddie gained 30 pounds in the last year.

In summary, I don't have dandruff or head lice, so none of this stuff applies to me. But it does strike a nerve because I had head lice when I was in the 4th grade. No big deal. Routine school checkup, school nurse kinda overreacts, some of the students behind me in line overreact and then no one talks to me. Kids are mean, but what's new. My dad transferred jobs after the 6th grade, so it worked out.

I have no idea where this post is going. It's late, I'm going to bed. Some of the things I've talked about in this post make me very uncomfortable, so enough of that.

**If you have dandruff or head lice and you're insulted, I'm sorry. But honestly, I'm not really sorry. Take this as a wake-up call. If you want to be an astronaut, start by taking your own pillow when you spend the weekend at your grandma's dirty-ass house. No one will want you on their space crew if you're not going to wash your hair. Even if you don't want to be an astronaut, it's just a good routine to get into.

Jesus Is My Scientist

I was chatting with this girl one day and she was hot and she asked me "If you believe in scientific theory and factual connectivity, how can you still be a Christian?" My answer is simple. Jesus is my scientist.

If Jesus came back today, and it was a casual visit and not apocalyptic, he would probably be really interested in science and its progressive nature. Science sometimes requires people to step outside their comfort zone of simple explanations and face harsh facts. Back in his day, Jesus was all about trying to get people to step outside their traditional but backwards ways. He was like "Hey people, don't throw stones at this chick, it would be unjust and barbaric. I know it is what you're accustomed to doing, but that is totally jacked up. Think about it ya bunch of uncivilized monkeys. I love all ya'll."

Jesus made people think because he was a thinker. Read the Bible and absorb some of the progressive stuff he says. He was way ahead of his time. And that is what science is all about. I'm pretty sure that if Jesus was around right now, he would win a Nobel within his first year. Imagine the look on everyones face when Jesus is at Harvard telling them how he changed the molecular behavior of water to allow him to walk on it! Once he did that, Dawkins would be embarrassed and all the scientists would worship Jesus and they'd probably just take his word for the other stuff he did. Hopefully he would visit some schools in the bible belt and tell everyone they're stupid for trying to push desperation science like creationism. I'd like to be there for that. I'd bring along my neighbor Eddie so I could rub it in his face because Eddie is an idiot neighbor who thinks more about keeping his grass green than about smart things.

And I was just kidding about chatting with a girl. I was brushing my teeth when I asked myself that question. I do chat with girls, just not that time. Next time I write about chatting with a girl, it won't be a joke because I do it all the time.

Good Morning America Dream

I just woke up from a horrible dream. Last week I signed up for an online astronaut training program, so it isn't surprising that in my dream I was on a spaceship.

In my dream artificial gravity wasn't invented yet, so it didn't take place very far in the future. I was looking out a window on the spaceship while on UCP (Unexpected Collision Patrol) when I suddenly realized I wasn't getting enough attention from mission control or my fellow crew members.

For whatever reason, I started to look around for ways to kill myself. It's a spaceship, so I couldn't find any knives, pills or guns, so I took off my astronaut belt and tied one end to the door of my closet and wrapped the other end around my neck. I closed my eyes, took a deep breath and stepped off my space stool.

When I opened my eyes, I was floating above the stool, slowly drifting up toward the closet. I forgot about the lack of gravity. I looked like a weightless fool. The other astronauts started laughing at me and then I realized I was on a live feed with Good Morning America and pretty much all of America was laughing at me. Then the President called and told me I was the WORST ASTRONAUT EVER to be on a spaceship and that included monkey and women astronauts.

That's when I woke up. I couldn't go back to sleep so I decided to write it down here. OK, going back to bed now. Ugh. And mom, it was just a dream. I don't want to kill myself.

A New Astronaut

When astronauts send something into space to see if it can be an astronaut, so far they've found that monkeys and women are the only things that can be an astronaut. But have we really exhausted all options?

For really dangerous or suicidal space missions, what about dolphin astronauts? They have huge brains and can survive without air for a really long time. The only strike against them is that you can't send one up by itself. Do I really need to point out that they can't push the tiny buttons or grab things without an opposable thumb?

Please be smart about this. Anytime I mention dolphin astronauts, most people pretend they just got a text message and walk out of the room, so please try to think outside the box.

So anyway, dolphins can't do it alone. The only way to do it right is to send up a monkey with the dolphin and just let the dolphin instruct the monkey. Even though a woman would be able to communicate with mission control 100 times better than the monkey, I just thought maybe the monkey and dolphin would get along better. Plus that would be wrong sending someone's mom on a dangerous mission. It would make a good heartbreaking Oscar worthy movie though.

The question is this: Is it worthwhile to send up a crew that doesn't speak the same language? Would the dolphin be able to discipline the monkey if he started to act irrationally? Doubtful.

So maybe dolphins don't go into space, maybe they just work in a special Research & Development department at NASA. You never know, maybe their HUGE brains give them a high aptitude for finding hidden keyboard shortcuts. It's so random and unlikely, but we don't know for sure and we'll never know until we try. Come on NASA, we have monkey astronauts and monkeys are essentially retarded humans. Dolphins are 20 times smarter than monkeys, give them a chance.

My Internet Web Log is a Spaceship

For everyone reading my internet web log, I hope you understand that I picked these colors to make it like a spaceship. If you read my web log and forget that you’re reading inside a spaceship, try to remember that you’re INSIDE a spaceship. Especially when I write about science. When I write about sad things DO NOT visualize being on a spaceship because that would be incredibly counterproductive. Astronauts are usually having a good time. The only time you would find yourself sad on a spaceship is:

1) Another spaceship is shooting some type of energy "laser" at your spaceship that disrupts your levels of serotonin causing depression and diarrhea. We won't have to worry about this for years considering none of the superpowers have combat ready spaceships.

2) Rapid loss of oxygen supply

3) Malfunctioning robots or aliens or robot aliens are killing everyone on your spaceship. If you're a trained astronaut, a murderous alien shouldn't be unexpected or sad because it's kinda assumed they want to kill humans. Emotion shouldn’t be there at all actually, just precision reflex actions. On the other hand, imagine a robot named Jeffrey. He’s programmed to be your friend. (before I get swamped with comments, Jeffrey would be a non sexual friend. Even if you requested such a thing, I can’t imagine NASA would waste their time attaching synthetic fingers and what not to their mission robots) So Jeffrey is your friend, right? Going to have a great time, right!?! Wrong. Jeffrey wants to kill you. If a robot programmed to be your friend doesn't want to be your friend, that's the worst kind of rejection ever. Seriously, that is the definition of sad. I’d give anything for that robot and all he wants to do is kill me.

4) Someone on your space crew goes insane after blast off and either tries to commit suicide or joins forces with the robot/alien that is trying to kill you. There's a good chance this crew member is the one who reprogrammed the robot.

5) Something very technical happens. I don’t want to waste my time explaining these situations because you’re not an astronaut and you would get frustrated at the level of complexity. Don’t take that the wrong way, I'm not saying you're stupid. (If you are an astronaut, please contact me. We could probably learn a lot from one another and I can keep secrets if necessary)

In summary, spaceships are usually 100% positive environments. (in your mind or for real) So I don't want to waste my time writing about sad things when you're imagining yourself at Disneyland so please do not do it.

**If you ARE an astronaut and you have experiences that I could add to the list, please leave a comment.

Thank you and put sunscreen on your babies and my web log is a spaceship.

My Post Is About My Introduction

Welcome to my Online Web Log for Humorous and Serious Casual. Sometimes humorous and sometimes sad. Majority humorous. Like this: 8=====> That's a penis. If it offends you, please send me a message and I will remove it immediately. I'm just putting it there as an example of how I want to push boundaries. I'm a joker at heart. I probably won't do that penis thing again, so if you're gay and looking for some cheap thrills, no need to keep checking my web log.

This is not a serious post. I have serious things to express and write. Not now, this is only a post for making people smile and babies happy.

I dream my Web Log will make at least one baby on Earth smile and be happy. Hope that doesn't sound cheesy, because it's from my heart. Attention moms! Please don't ad-lib or skim when reading my web log to your babies. Make sure to repeat exactly what I write because the power of my words is in the details. If you're one of those single moms that can't read all that well or you know a single mom that can't read, write me and I might be able to come up with an illustrated version of my web log if there is a big enough interest.

Thank you and put sunscreen on babies.

End of post. If you read anything below this line, it is NOT part of this post.